I haven’t been writing much, and I don’t particularly expect to begin writing regularly anytime soon. This is just an update, because one of these days I’ll probably be writing again and even further down the line I’ll re-read. See how far I’ve made it by then.

The last 358 days have been wild. We’re almost to the one year anniversary of my boyfriend’s motorcycle accident. Since then we’ve lost two dogs, my anxiety/depression have kicked up to the highest notch. Bella spent half the summer hurt, or sitting. I started to have major anxiety surrounding my job. This time my anxiety/depression has been joined by a massive dose of paranoia.

I am so lucky to have some amazing friends who check on me pretty regularly, and yet my paranoia still manages to convince me they don’t like me at all. It’s freaking ridiculous. I hate it. Therapy didn’t help, and I’m having trouble with meds because the ones that worked also cause me to basically not eat (at least 15-20 lbs down since I started them, and it’s not because I’m working out or riding. It’s real hard to do those things when you have no energy to begin  with because you’re eating once a day).

But in horse news…

A week and a half-ish ago I got a call that the other 3 mares Bella lives with would be moving in May and that Bella needed to be moved as well. No fault of her own, but she can’t live in a massive pasture on her own and we’re not doing the gelding thing because neither she, nor the geldings could be trusted to not cause major issues.

I understand the move, from every standpoint. But… I also worked there, it was a second home at one point, I always send people there for boarding, shows, whatever. I cried when she told me, I cried leaving out of the driveway with Bella in a pasture for the final time on Tuesday, I cried looking at other farms, and I cried writing this.

I am at least so lucky, and grateful, that the barn owner made a call to a local farm (just a couple minutes away) and they had a spot. I checked a few other barns out but ended up just settling on that one. Bella got moved today, while I’m in Ohio for a wedding, but thanks to an old barn mate become current barn mate I got a picture of her, and a video, this afternoon. No asking, just a nice surprise when I opened up Facebook messenger.

The farm has tons of land and trails, I think that’s probably just what I’ll end up doing when I get home and start riding again. A lot of time bumming around on my spicy unicorn. She will probably be ridiculous but at this point, anything to get me back in the saddle is fine with me.

While it is pretty sad for all these changes I also just think it will be nice. Hopefully some version of a fresh start, because I definitely just want one right now.

May 10th holds some stupid power over me, but this year is almost over it. Looking forward to passing it and starting new more than I have ever cared about December 31st/January 1st. This just feels like an entirely different ball game.


No clue when, and I do hope when, I’ll pick back up blogging consistently. It’s more for me than anything but sometimes it’s just not worth putting thoughts down anywhere. Sometimes the thoughts aren’t worth remembering.




About Renz Unruhe

26 year old equestrian keeping busy and moving forwards.
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